Sexting. Sometimes fun, sometimes awkward, always good for a laugh.
We've got the funniest, weirdest, and most off-the-wall sexting conversations of 2019 to show you that, by comparison, you probably aren't that bad at sexting after all.
We've all had Autocorrect "help" us at the most inopportune time. It's only a matter of time before an international incident breaks out over a poorly Autocorrected tweet.
Imagine what the history books will say: the first World War started with the assassination of an archduke, the second with the invasion of Poland, and the third with a president using technology to help him spell.
But when it comes to sexting, you've got even more on the line than the leaders of the free world: your chances at getting laid.
Fortunately, Autocorrect can also help you out. If the risk of a risqué message doesn't pay off, put asterisks around an innocent alternative and claim Autocorrect was responsible for the "mistake."
It's a trick as old as time, but it still works like a charm.
(In case you still don't get the joke, those photos are Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon, Andy Dick, and Philip K. Dick.)
I'll admit this one's pretty clever. But you've got to count on your partner being able to recognize some historical Dicks at a glance.
It's a risky gambit, but it's guaranteed to get a laugh, even if you have to explain the joke.
This sext starts out with all the right stuff: a teasing tone, fun emoticons, and the anticipation of a rendezvous to come.
But like every sequel to The Matrix, a great premise takes a turn for the worse, and its creators quickly lose control.
Including pop culture references in your sexting can be great fun. Based on the sheer number of people I've seen swooning over Khal Drogo or Dean Winchester, you can do far worse than getting your girl thinking about a fictional character.
But people who are turned on by Ned Flanders from the Simpsons are a narrow, niche market.
Picture the place where religious kink, shame kink, and an overall lack of knowledge about proper anatomical terminology intersect.
Don't want to imagine that? That's fine. I didn't, either.
Tentacles are like barbecue sauce--if you're bringing it into the bedroom, you damn well better know what you're doing.
And this text is the equivalent of a white suburban dad pouring Kraft BBQ sauce over his Costco hamburger patties and calling it his "secret recipe."
Points for the green text person, though, for setting clear boundaries and shutting down this conversation that needed to be shut down before things got any weirder
Look, I'm not saying Shrek isn't sexy. Far be it from me to tell anyone else what's hot and what's not.
But may I posit that a Shrek fetish is not something you want to spring on your partner? Especially not through text message.
And if you do decide to surprise your partner with something a little off the beaten path, then for God's sakes, read the room.
If your partner responds with anything less than enthusiasm, apologize for being in the wrong, because you are.
It's better to give up on one sexting session than to be known by all of this girl's friends as "the one who wanted to roleplay as Shrek."
The sudden flaccidity might be a defensive maneuver on the penis's part. Pretty smart of the little guy, really.
In this person's defense, bringing ingredients from the kitchen to the bedroom is a common enough curiosity. Who hasn't thought about licking whipped cream or chocolate syrup off their lover's naked body?
But seriously, offering to eat someone out and offering to eat someone are two VASTLY different fetishes.
For the love of God, don't mix them up.
Not everything you learned in ninth grade English was totally useless, after all.
The difference between the text "I want to, baby," and "I want a baby" is a gulf the size of the Atlantic. And just like the Atlantic, countless brave explorers have died trying to cross it.
Honestly, why do we even call our romantic partners "baby" in the first place? If the word "baby" were reserved for infants only, our language would be so much more efficient.
This is either a horny sext or the start of a very serious conversation--but which one is it? You'll never know.
Sometimes you just aren't into it.
What do you do when your partner is getting hot and heavy over text, and you're just trying to eat a snack?
While I commend this person for their honesty, it's maybe a good idea to stretch the truth a little bit more when you're trying to sound sexy.
When your partner is sexting you, it's okay to lie about what you're up to. If you don't feel like you can come up with a convincing lie, try a half-truth, like "Just thinking about how hot you are."
It'll keep the mood going without making you pull a completely fabricated story out of your ass.
There are some texts which make far more sense when you find out that you weren't supposed to read them.
This text is not one of them.
I almost didn't include this one, because it's not immediately clear that this was a sext. But when you think about it, there's no way anyone likes licking cat ass for any reason that isn't sexual.
No shame, though. The heart wants what it wants, and so does the crotch.
I will say this, though: if you can tell your friend about your cat anus fetish without shame or fear, that friendship is built on something solid.
What that something is, I'm not sure. But it's solid.
Again with the Shrek? What is it with this smelly green ogre that gets people so hot and bothered?
Not gonna lie, I'm not sure the Austin Powers reaction image would have been that much better. Like Flanders, Austin Powers is only sexy to a brave few among us.
It could have gone worse, though. Mike Myers also played the title character in the Cat in the Hat movie that was so bad, Dr. Seuss's widow banned all future live-action versions of her late husband's work.
And with the recent uproar over the Cats movie, it's safe to say that no one is interested in seeing horrifyingly anthropomorphic cats anymore.
Choose your reaction images wisely, folks. One man's Austin Powers is another man's Shrek.
Everyone has boundaries, and it's wonderful to see them being asserted clearly (especially when the boundary has to do with an anal sphincter).
But I think this meatball aficionado could have eased into this conversation a little more smoothly. Food is supposed to go in one way and out another, and messing with that order is not something to be undertaken lightly.
And "no more" makes you wonder: what was in this conversation above the cut?
I'd like to think it started with reference to the spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp. Slurping spaghetti and meeting your partner in the middle for a kiss? Adorable. Putting a meatball in someone's asshole? Not. Adorable. At. All.
You might think I'm coming down a little harshly on this issue, but I'm doing a favor for anyone who's considered this behavior. Do you want to end up on an internet list of things that emergency room doctors have had to remove from patients' rectums?
So many questions here.
Is this the classic case of a wrong number? Did the question asker cross an unspoken line? Does the pink text person just have a perfect sense of humor?
Any way you slice it, though, this is a hilariously bad response to sexting.
This is the risk you run when you go from zero to a hundred right out of the gate. Nine times out of ten, you're going to spook your partner into regretting their decision to sext with you.
But that one time? It just might be worth all the failures when you meet someone with a mind as dirty as yours.
Nouns turn into verbs all the time (see adulting), but "fetus" is a new one on me.
While it's certainly descriptive, it's maybe not the sexiest thing you could say.
After all, besides couples who are actively trying for a baby, most people want to avoid "fetusing" at all possible costs, from the discomfort of a condom to the side effects of birth control to permanent surgical sterilization.
Studies looking at why people have sex even show that having children doesn't even bear mentioning when listing reasons people get it on.
Stay away from references to your baby-making abilities, lest you totally put your partner out of the mood.
Ah, Omegle. While more horrifying conversations have happened on this stranger messaging site, this is up there on the list of "worst things on the internet."
New research has shown that Crocs might work just as well as condoms for birth control but in a different way. Condoms prevent sperm cells from reaching an egg, while Crocs prevent your penis from ever getting within fifty feet of a woman.
After all, the last thing nature wants is for those Croc-wearing genes to be passed into the next generation. If history remembers us as the generation that ended Crocs, we can all rest in peace.
Well, they did say everything...
Love is bringing home a McDonald's burger. True love is watching someone scarf down a McDonald's burger and still thinking they're hot enough to have sex with.
And nothing says true love like sexting.